Currently there are a lot of thoughts going round my head, but very few of them are words. It's hard to get them firmed enough to express them.
I'm hurting, not for myself. I'm 'fine' by any measurable standard, life is ticking along. I'm hurting for my friends, because life is hard for so many of them at the moment. It seems to have been hard for many of them for a long time, and they don't deserve the raft of crappy things that keep happening.
Anyone who I say this too nods comfortingly and says something along the lines of 'yeah, life's tough', 'that's terrible' or 'you can't fix that, it's good that they know you care'. The thing is that I'm not just worried about my friends, I don't just want to comfort them. I am hurting. When I think about them and the challenges they face it makes me start to cry.
I'm not saying this to get people to run up to me and give me brownie points for being such an amazing friend or having so much compassion. Because my conflict is that I don't, not always. Shockingly enough it hurts to feel pain, so often (too often) I withdraw. I let the connections and relationships I value so highly, that I feel are the reason for being, fade and grow slightly distant to avoid the horrible intensity of sharing my friends' pain.
I don't want to do that. When there is already geographical distance I don't want to be the one who adds 'emotional' distance as well. Suddenly I've had a moment of realisation and my prayers have stopped being just for my suffering friends and started being for myself as well.
I love my friends. I want to be there for them. They are amazing people who have the strength to get through the crap life throws at them. I have the strength to be right there with them. And when we need a boost, more strength, God has promised that he will provide. I need to remember to ask.
